Easy Dating Tips for GETTING MORE DATES - How to LEAVE a dreadful date

I got one of those emergency phones calls Saturday night from a client....

Yes.

Calling me on her cell phone from the ladies room.

"April, can't I just leave through the back door?"

NO!

Ladies, we are ladies.  We can be audacious, bold, fabulous and brazen at times, but we are GRACIOUS to the core.  OK?  So we leave with GRACE, POISE and APLOMB. 

We do NOT leave through a back door!

Through the front door we entered, and through the front door we shall exit.

"But what do I do?" she pleaded with me over our cell phones.

Now that you are in this mess, here is PRECISELY what I recommended to her to do and say.

First, I did ascertain that the meal had been finished.  We are not talking about leaving in the middle of things.  We are just trying to wrap things up.

So, go back out to the table. 

Sit down.  Sip your water.  Turn and SWEETLY and GRACIOUSLY utter these words,

"Thank you for dinner, Bob, Dave, Mohammad (insert his name).  I've so enjoyed meeting you.  You're such an interesting man.  (pause, breath, exhale, you CAN do this!)  But I just don't FEEL we are a match.  Good luck in your search." 

Now get up and LEAVE.  Walk out with grace.

Just so the men know, I have had the EXACT same scenario with male clients calling me.  Saturday night.  Dinner/Comedy Club, and it's Date0  and all he wants to do is RUN to the nearest exit.

Normally, you would do this after the check has arrived, been paid, etc. and around then.  When he graciously pays is WHEN I always (always!!!!!) thank him for the lovely dinner.  I don't care WHAT you ate.  It was LOVELY of him to do so, to provide this for you.  Thank him! 

You made an effort to look BEAUTIFUL (gentlemen, our expenses for the meal are in all we do to prepare and look beautiful.  You don't want to know what it costs for good skin care prods, mani/pedis.  Just trust me.  That is OUR expense.).  In my client's case, I KNOW this to be a fact.  She made an effort.  Please tell me, ladies who are reading this, YOU did make an EFFORT to look beautiful, right?

Now before any of you start commenting and putting in your two bits about what to do/not do, let me interrupt right now.

I helped her in this emergency.  But it was a stop gap approach.

Because the very SCENARIO was the actual problem.

WHAT was she doing arranging for a full dinner date on Saturday night for Date0 ?!!!!

THAT was the problem.

Saturday night is like Prom night. 

It is DATE NIGHT. 

It is loaded.

Ahhhhhhhhhh, talk about pressure. 

For dear folks who are just getting back into the swing of dating again perhaps after divorce, or a 3 yr relationship that did NOT result in marriage, I recommend they take it SLOWLY.  Do NOT start out of the gate with a Saturday Night Date.  Too much pressure.  Too high an expectation is set.

For Date0 I recommend (demand? require?  Ok, you still have free will, but just know I DID forewarn you here.) meeting on a week night date for cocktails and appetizers. 

This is so lovely and low key.  A little alcohol and soft lighting, and we are all happier anyway.  If you don't drink, just have some lovely sparkling water or juice.  The AMBIANCE is perfect for a date.  Soft lighting adds to the flirtation.

Share an appetizer.  See, sharing a food item creates rapport.  You have to communicate but just only a little to reach an agreement.  More excellent practice. 

Timeframe 60-90 minutes.  This can augment that feeling that men can start to experience of "I don't want to be a meal ticket."  For Date0, usually you are NOT having dinner.  Sometimes you will, but as a strong guideline, you're not.  So the men refrain from feeling financially used.  And the women can feel safe and leave room to feel cherished and treated well. 

Do NOT meet at Starbucks.

Meeting at Starbucks for Date0 was perfectly cool and fabulous for Online Dating back in 1998-2000.  But this is 2008.  Now it is full of teenagers.  And they are like chaperones for your date.  NOT creating the MOOD for flirtation.  Sort of like having your high school buddies WATCHING you the whole time.  They all KNOW what is going on.  You just CAN'T relax and relax into your flirting style with that much scrutiny going on.

You can still meet for coffee, but you do so at The Four Seasons.  It costs just about the same, really.  But trust me, the ambiance is more fitting for an adult (vs. teenage) date.  Gracious. Leisurely.  Room for conversation.

There will be times when you will have 3 -7 all within rapid succession.  I am DELIGHTED for you when that is the case.  You will be practicing your fundamentals of expressing and communicating what you want/don't want and checking in periodically with the other person.  The give and take is necessary. 

So, with that, have about 4 places you like to go. 

As the gentleman, suggest a place displaying your leadership.  Or best, do some research online for where you want to take her (i.e. Yelp) suggest a place which is near her, because for the first few dates, you need to go where she is.  For Date0 you HAVE to do this.  For a variety of reasons, but #1 is for her physical safety.  And as a man, I know you want to protect us, naturally.  Thank you.  We love that and appreciate it.

Ladies, have 4 places you like to go so when he graciously asks you where you would like to go for your..., you have a reply.  Sometimes I will lob this back to him, but really, when they ask, just have an answer.  However, being FEMININE and wanting to encourage and foster his masculine lead (ooooo! flutter, flutter, bat, bat), I suggest you respond with something like, "Well there is X place or Z place.  What were you thinking would be good?" 

And then let him CHOOSE and lead.  And whatever he chooses, accept it.  You will be able to find something to eat. 

Now you want to have a few places to offer up to him so you don't go to the same place 4 nights in a row and have your waiter/waitress start to say something.  "Hey, it's you again.  Wow, you come here EVERY DAY.  Did you want The Usual?" 

We all know you're dating, but we don't need to have our noses rubbed in it, OK?  The men know we are in demand.  They just don't want to know precisely.

So the best way to leave a dreadful date is to set it up for being lovely!

But if you HAVE to, yes, you can call me.  And I'll help you get out the door with grace and aplomb.  Remember, he is a human being across the table from you.  Have boundaries, yes, you don't have to stay forever.  But DO be gracious.

All the best,

April Braswell
Romance Coach, Online Dating Coach